Sundays are EXTREMELY hard for me. And actually have been for a while. No matter how I try I seem to com home exhausted, burn out, tired and irritated.
My husband left the church about 18 months ago. It was about 4 months after I was called to be the primary 1st counselor. I was so excited about my new calling but it seemed things got very difficult for me very fast. My husband has always been very UN-SUPPORTIVE about my callings but now I was really doing everything on my own and trying to never voice my frustration or tiredness.
We had many, many challenges as a presidency, but I was keeping my head above water.
Then the new year hit and my son who has learning disabilities was a sunbeam and everything fell apart. He would only sit in his seat if I was holding him distracting him with books or stickers. Even then he would have outbursts, pull my hair and try to headbutt me. I attempted to still try to teach Sharing Time. Junior primary was a circus. Then my little boy would go to class and I would be free to teach Senior Primary without chaos...but the senior primary children created their own chaos.
I don't know how many Sundays I just came home and cried. It's hard not being able to have a husband that is supportive and will pick you up when you're down. I couldn't say anything or he would say "stop going" or asked to be released. One sunday I was the only adult in primary (the president was pulled out for other matters). My son's teachers were not there so after wrestling with him for an hour I had to teach sharing time and manage primary with my three year old autistic son. It was just too much.
I asked to be released. They released the whole presidnecy and for months I suffered with extreme guilt and feelings of failing and giving up.
I was put in as a sunday school teacher to the 13 year olds during the second hour but because my son will not go to sharing time I have him in class with me.
Today we had a talk, scripture, and my son was to say the prayer. We had also noticed that it said in my daughters Faith in God book that she was supposed to help with a quarterly primary activity. we asked the primary president what she could do to help. They gave her a few ideas and she chose to make tags for the binder spines of all the manuals. So we printed out and cut those. My team teacher was out of town but I had panned ahead and everything was ready.
When I got home I was tired (we have 1:00 church) so I fed the kids, got everyone changed, cleaned up dinner/lunch. Usually my girls go and play but brother was bugging them. I got him out of the room and doing something else and told them to lock the door. During their play they unlocked the door and brother got in and began to terrorize them. I got mad and yelled at them saying that if they didn't keep the door locked then they would have to deal with him terrorizing their playtime.
Insert my husband hear saying "why do you even go to church when it just makes you tired and grumpy? It doesn't even make you happy!"
Such a blow because I know how Sundays are and had been making a conscience effort to be kind and patient but I also had been taking care of the kids all by myself all day. Someone chose to stay up drinking and come to bed way after midnight and sleep until 11:30.
He never helps me at all on Sundays and I am just not good at juggling it all. And for the record I do yell at my kids on I try to keep it in check but there are lond, hard days when my patience wears thin in the evenings. My little boy is SO HARD and I feel like I am the only one handling him day in and day out....this summer has made me really aprreciaye his teachers.
I am hitting another low. I just don't think I can do this. I not only don't have physical help but I have my husband pointing out constantly how I am not a good preson (member) and telling me to give up. I have never had any support from his really (other than financial) but this new anatagonism toward religion is just REALLY HARD.
What do I do? What are my options? Tell the bishop I can't hold any callings and then sit with my son for sacrament and the first hour? HAve my son stay home with his Dad? Stop going to church?
None of these feel right, but I don't have the time or energy to pray for the answer and I feel because I don't give my prayers the real time and attention they need I know I will not get an answer.
My husband demands too much of me and my son's special needs are sapping the energy out of me. I have no one to talk to or turn to because I don't want to be constantly whining to someone or seem weak.
Is this really the life I chose? Why didn't Heavenly Father stop me from marrying my husband? I am trying so hard but things are going from hard to harder in every aspect of my life? I must not be learning what I am supposed to, but honestly I don't think I can keep this marriage together any longer. I am just so very tired and sad.
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